Rolling in the Deep
Monday, 2 July 2012 / 21:56
So here goes me trying to be 'deep'...
Topic: The Past
There are so many things in my past that i regret terribly. Not to the extent where the regrets haunt me day and night, but enough so that i can remember them when nothing else is preoccupying my mind. Sometimes i even lay in bed, and these regrets prevent sleep from overriding my senses. It's just...the time spent between laying in bed and falling asleep is used to edit. I visit the memories of the past and pay close attention to how i acted, felt, and how the people around me responded. I then analyse what that reaction might have meant, and ultimately if i was or was not received negatively; or how i could have made the outcome better. My past is like one big...'shaper', for lack of a better word, of my future. Whereby if something did not go to plan or didn't turn out just as i hoped it would; I would not do it again. I guess that is where the saying 'your past is what makes you who you are today', or something along those lines, came from. But that's the thing... I do not like who i am today. That is why i keep revisiting and editting my past. So i can act perfectly or react perfectly at any given situation which as happened before. I desire that movie magic perfection.
Unfortunately as of current, i am an awkard fumbling mess. Even if i do so happen to stumble upon the same situation again, i just take a step back and observe how others react. It's like i'm not even participating in my own life. I remember in primary school i was hugely out going and felt alive. I want that feeling again. So ultimately, my regrets towards the things that i have done 'wrong' in the past has metaphorically become the seatbelt to my life. Honestly speaking, my regrets are just silly things, things that i knew i could have done better but i was either just not trying or somehow screwed myself over. What's the point of moving forward when you're not ready to let go of the past? Is it because i'm trapped in the 'good times' of the past? I know there were so many things that i could have changed...
"Your biggest critique is yourself", is the most honest and truthful quote I have ever come across. I'm not sure who said/wrote that line, but I understand and swear by it completely. Maybe i'm judging myself to intensely on my past...maybe i need to start changing the present...
Sigh... I think this picture just about sums up what i'm trying to say about my past:
There are so many things in my past that i regret terribly. Not to the extent where the regrets haunt me day and night, but enough so that i can remember them when nothing else is preoccupying my mind. Sometimes i even lay in bed, and these regrets prevent sleep from overriding my senses. It's just...the time spent between laying in bed and falling asleep is used to edit. I visit the memories of the past and pay close attention to how i acted, felt, and how the people around me responded. I then analyse what that reaction might have meant, and ultimately if i was or was not received negatively; or how i could have made the outcome better. My past is like one big...'shaper', for lack of a better word, of my future. Whereby if something did not go to plan or didn't turn out just as i hoped it would; I would not do it again. I guess that is where the saying 'your past is what makes you who you are today', or something along those lines, came from. But that's the thing... I do not like who i am today. That is why i keep revisiting and editting my past. So i can act perfectly or react perfectly at any given situation which as happened before. I desire that movie magic perfection.
Unfortunately as of current, i am an awkard fumbling mess. Even if i do so happen to stumble upon the same situation again, i just take a step back and observe how others react. It's like i'm not even participating in my own life. I remember in primary school i was hugely out going and felt alive. I want that feeling again. So ultimately, my regrets towards the things that i have done 'wrong' in the past has metaphorically become the seatbelt to my life. Honestly speaking, my regrets are just silly things, things that i knew i could have done better but i was either just not trying or somehow screwed myself over. What's the point of moving forward when you're not ready to let go of the past? Is it because i'm trapped in the 'good times' of the past? I know there were so many things that i could have changed...
"Your biggest critique is yourself", is the most honest and truthful quote I have ever come across. I'm not sure who said/wrote that line, but I understand and swear by it completely. Maybe i'm judging myself to intensely on my past...maybe i need to start changing the present...
Sigh... I think this picture just about sums up what i'm trying to say about my past:
Labels: deep, honest, me, personal, truth